left to shatter

oh, rob, how you amuse...

Wed, 14 May 2008 21:41:02 GMT

it all depends on the kind of player you are... everything i know about team sports i learned from roller derby. one thing i'm not is a quitter.

but, honestly? it's a little discerning given that our game is in less than a week.

- - - - -

Aries Horoscope for week of May 15, 2008

I hope you've been trying to bolster your stick-to-it-iveness, Aries. I trust you've been pumping up your follow-through and supercharging your determination. If you haven't been attending to this unglamorous yet heroic work, play catch-up. Your final exam will be administered no later than May 24. Here's a sneak preview of some of the material you'll be tested on. If a teammate drops the ball, do you: a. quit the game; b. throw the ball in your teammate's face; c. pick up the ball and start running in the direction your teammate was supposed to?

what are you doing saturday, bay area?

Wed, 14 May 2008 01:33:48 GMT

"if humanity wishes to preserve a planet similar to that on which civilization developed"

Mon, 12 May 2008 12:18:20 GMT

i know it's monday. but, i have insomnia and a slight headache from knocking my head into the bottom of the pool of a certain fortune-500-animation-studio yesterday (and beer) while trying to kick the world's most oversized and thus, sadistic volleyball ever. so, that was the end of my weekend. the beginning involved a three-hour public transit hike to stanford powwow where i decided that chicken dancers are my favorite -- hands down. also, i witnessed southern straight dancing for the first time. when did oklahoma decide to cede california? i picked out some beautiful shell necklace for my mom; my, how i gurgle at traditional california jewelry that involves layering pounds upon pounds of abalone on one's neck. i was also a good cookie and spoke to, not only, my mom, yesterday, but my granma and an auntie. i'm doin good. my granma always has some fascinating bit of advice every time i speak to her. anyway, enough about me. let's talk about this here earthship. let's talk about 350 parts per million. let's talk about preserving the simple beauty in my weekend and hoping my grandchildren will get to have their own version of its effortless leisure and i'll be able to give them some fascinating bit of advice about our traditions.

oh, and thanks alibi_shop! you were right, the intro is a must-read.

- - - - -

The World at 350
A Last Chance for Civilization
By Bill McKibben

Even for Americans, constitutionally convinced that there will always be a second act, and a third, and a do-over after that, and, if necessary, a little public repentance and forgiveness and a Brand New Start -- even for us, the world looks a little Terminal right now...

mom

Sun, 11 May 2008 18:51:02 GMT

this was one of my first pieces. "lucid mauve" is a code for my mom in wiky.

lost bird

(link's fixed now)

another fine airborne toxic event

Wed, 07 May 2008 18:42:30 GMT

monday night, i dragged my roommate out to an interview on pirate radio followed by a free show with these guys. i love them. i was in bed by 11pm!! it was great! my other roommate asked us to bring her home "a button or something" and while leaving they inundated us with posters, laminates (??), and even a ticket stub. they had no buttons. they do have a record contract and will be releasing in august. and to think i first saw them at a goth night at d.n.a. which we all had a gaff over (hatehatehate).

- - - - -

on the radio for the B.ay A.rea D.erby Girls with John Hell

Tue, 06 May 2008 03:19:32 GMT

eta: http://www.nerdnetworks.org/pcr/JohnHell-20080505.mp3

call in with questions

Studio Line: 415-341-1199

Daughter of a Yup'ik Woman

Mon, 05 May 2008 19:48:12 GMT

when i went to the launch party last month, i bought two back issues of red ink. i've been passing through last spring's issue, vol. 13, no. 1. i came across this poem last night over dinner and just about had the wind knocked outta me. wasn't expecting this little doozie (prayer).

she will... live with memories that don't make sense

- - - - -

Daughter of a Yu'pik Woman
by Cynthia Deike-Sims

My daughter remembers eating
fish eyeballs and scooping the
fish from the bones after it was
boiled on the stove.
She was a baby but she has a
mind like a trap. A fishtrap.

The whitefish -- the akakiik.
Silvers, Sockeye, Kings, or Reds?

After years of the white man's food
she does not know how to
make sense of the tin can.
Her eyes lit up when telling
stories of Grandma's house
with good boiled fish.
The story changes, turning to
"Yuck" sometimes with giggles.
We remind her,
"You liked it. It was good."

Her trust of the homemade
went south sometime back
when she had to trust better
prepackaged fast food.
Her lessons of the system
were longer than preschool.
She paid attention
to talks about foster parents
when she should have been
learning the stories of
spawing Yukon King Salmon.

Her birth mother asks us
on the phone,
"Does she remember
to always call her
brother 'brother'
and brother to
always say 'sister'?"
Sometimes. I say.
We don't always
we will try harder again.

The McDonalds food came with
social workers, who met to talk
about grown up things, her
mother not able to care for her,
alcohol is a disease.
They never spoke about
multigenerational trauma.
Things to learn later.
They spolke of things
over her head, beyond her,
while she smiled and
tried to enjoy Playland.

My daughter's solace
she took in cardboard hamburgers;
'eat them fast' fries,
all food that turned to stone,
heavy with deep fry,
heavy without her Aana.

She couldn't connect
food at McDonalds
with love like that boiled
fish that melted in her mouth
maurluq, apaurluq,
grandmother, grandfather
food like other worlds
people like strangers
science fiction
fantasy

She'll learn in college
How it is the same in Moscow
the whole fish being boiled like that.
Right now she is four, and
she can only look sideways
with mistrust for old ways.
No one cooks fish like that
in the city.
In the city
we spend timie with
social workers
in brightly colored places
and get a prize.
In a happy meal.

You can't see fish parts
in a Filet O' Fish
and it gets harder, day by day
to imagine jumping into the water
swimming with the fishes,
touching them silvery
raw and free.

Where is my aata, my father,
my people... the real people.
She just keeps busy,
peeling off pickles.
Smiling.
Always smiling,
no matter what.
Smiling.
Just like that.
We were told she was always
a happy child.

She is not ours but we
call her daughter. Panik.
She was not happy
but always smiling.
She will remember
she is Yup'ik.
Daughter of Janice Joe,
granddaughter of Dorothy Joe,
great-granddaughter of Mary Joe.
Little sister of her big brother,
big sister of her little brother
in another foster home.

With us, she will touch real fishes,
swim with fishes through stories
live with memories
that don't make sense.

i am all the days that you choose to ignore

Fri, 02 May 2008 01:07:10 GMT

may day may day may day may

http://www.vh1.com/video/play.jhtml?artist=1123&vid=229632

going back online

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 22:11:34 GMT

soon. real fucking soon. a slightly different domain... but...

i may even get my old domain back down the road. holy shit!

Starting Line...

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 20:58:00 GMT

Starting Line...
Originally uploaded by mattmills

this is a totally gorgeous photo. thanks, matt mcknight. ~~whoever you are!~~

66-103

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:35:02 GMT

i woke up from an afternoon nap late yesterday with my back on fire. it still feels kinked and bent and in need of some stretching out.

i had a really fun game saturday night. apparently, i did really "amazing" as my teammates and coach kept telling me. i couldn't tell you because i only remember about 25% of it, from the phenomenon of being "in the zone." par instance, my first major penalty of the evening involved knocking down oakland's jammer after the jam was called -- this means that all 8712981 of the refs on the floor are blowing their whistles at screeching levels in near unison. i heard nothing and took her out anyway. i had one thought in flashing neon red behind my eyelids that flashed, "KILL THE JAMMER! KILL THE JAMMER!" you know, it's good to know that one can tap into that ancient instinctual predatorial zone every now and again; but, in combination with adrenaline it makes for a pretty frightening loss of memory, and too much precious real estate off the rink in the penalty box. maybe you have no memory because you stop thinking and go into a kind of auto-pilot (depending on how well you've programmed auto-pilot dictates how well it will perform). it's something i've been thinking about the past day or two while my muscles heal and i try to piece together my fragmented memory and build the story my teammates told me happened, because frankly, the phenomenon freaks me out a bit.

i can't wait to see the pictures.

a few snapshots from memory

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 00:41:43 GMT

mere snippets.

- - - - -

my team = OMFGHAWT!!

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 22:33:12 GMT

clicky!

[bay area] B.A.D. is back

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:36:26 GMT

obligatory posting!! we're skating this saturday night!!

je vois la vie en rose

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 03:18:08 GMT

nevermind the first seven seconds.

dateline : tucson --> phoenix

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 09:24:45 GMT

"we want per caps"

- - - - -

this weekend is... (ran into my auntie at the arizona state u powwow tonight)

dateline : phoenix --> tucson

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 22:13:05 GMT

i have landed. we're a touch cracked out. i gotta pull it together for this evening. coffee.

my friends are the best.

[bay area] rollin rollin rollin

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 17:34:21 GMT

starting at 6p today, you, my dear friends list, can buy tickets to see my team bout the oakland outlaws next saturday (april 26) -- somewhat ahead of the general public's knowledge that these tickets are actually available.

the b.ay a.rea d.erby girls are back in oakland, folks.

this message brought you by windigo "your heart looks delicious" jones #1491:

i'd like to take this opportunity to thank the academy, baby jeezus, my fictional agent...

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 18:15:48 GMT

o facebook, how do i love thee! let me count the superlatives i have been nominated for. and to think i nominate people with such square and normal things like "most likely to party like a rockstar..." tho i've troutslapped and chestbumped a good number of my friends. srsly, i turn 30 in a week and look what i've accomplished.

dude. it's all so true!!

- - - - -

+ you are Most Likely To Slap Your Butt! [*tsk tsk* bad grammar, facebook! it makes one wonder whose butt is being slapped! do i slap my own?]

+ you are Most Likely To Win a Million Dollars only to Blow it on Midget Butlers, Cheap Scotch, and Vicodin [this happened three years ago already, only this guy named mark helped me out.]

+ you are Most Likely To Sing & Dance In the Car While Driving [i was just practicing "high & dry" on my way to a derby tournament last friday night! over and over and over again until i resigned to the fact that i am probably tone deaf. karaoke nights will tell you this, too.]

+ you are Most Likely To Be Best Friends Forever [tho i don't call too often when i don't see you... or email... or write... but, show up on my doorstep two years down the road and i'll bake you lasagna.]

+ you are Most Likely To Get Out of Trouble by Smiling [dysfunctional families teach you so much about human behavior]

+ you are Most Likely To Fall in Love with Fictional Characters [my 12th grade a.p. english teacher wrote in my weekly book report of "a tale of two cities" next to a comment: j.b. <3 s.c. for sydney cartier because of my description of his character]

prepare for mad myspace bulletin spam!

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 01:27:23 GMT

hey hey hey arizona peoples, get ready! because next friday, april 18, i'm performing at this with the likes of -- SIMON ORTIZ...

Bad Love

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:10:07 GMT

at the end of an immense weekend, you wish you had one.

my personal on-demand haiku by kampachi:

- - - - -

Hurts enough to drink
80's band that should have been
Bad love means bad hair.

omfg too much derby

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 02:37:18 GMT

*gargghhh*

thar she be.

ded.

wantzes team california.

dr. laurence peter sez

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:51:43 GMT

from loltheorists

VONA application in

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 00:54:02 GMT

ok, i'm applying for TWO weeks of writing workshops at VONA. i'll have at least one week paid vacation by that point. holy shit, i just submitted my application. why do artist's statements always make you sound like a pompous jerk?

go, go, gadget body in motion!

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 05:45:47 GMT

joy is.... cleaning your own bearings by hand.

(watch me go *whoosh!*)